Just For Laughs
This page if for Friends and Relatives Sharing a Laugh.
Send me a Joke, and if I laugh, I'll put it on here.
I'll be puttin' the new ones on top!
Let's see you answer this!
This puzzle was written by a lady in California in response to a gentleman
In Philadelphia that he would pay anyone $1,000.00 who could write a
Puzzle he could not solve. He failed to do so and paid the $1,000.00.
The answer is one word, and it appears only four times in the Bible.
Want to try? See how well you can do on your own, then try it with the
Best helper you can find. BTW…I’m not paying $1,000.00 if you get it.
But it will give you satisfaction to know you could solve it, and maybe it
Will give you a blessing if you had to search for the answer in the Bible.
I’ve rarely found a time that searching the Bible for answers did not give me
A Blessing!
WHO AM I?
ADAM, GOD MADE OUT OF DUST
BUT THOUGHT IT BEST TO MAKE ME FIRST.
SO I WAS MADE BEFORE MAN
TO ANSWER GODS MOST HOLY PLAN
A LIVING BEING I BECAME
AND ADAM GAVE TO ME MY NAME.
I FROM HIS PRESENCE THEN WITHDREW
AND MORE OF ADAM NEVER KNEW.
I DID MY MAKER’S LAW OBEY
NOR EVER WENT FROM IT ASTRAY.
THOUSANDS OF MILES I GO IN FEAR
BUT SELDOM ON EARTH APPEAR.
FOR PURPOSE WISE WHICH GOD DID SEE,
HE PUT A LIVING SOUL IN ME.
A SOUL FROM ME GOD DID CLAIM
AND TOOK FROM ME THE SOUL AGAIN,
SO WHEN FROM ME THE SOUL HAD FLED,
I WAS THE SAME AS WHEN FIRST MADE.
AND WITHOUT HANDS, OR FEET, OR SOUL,
I TRAVEL ON EARTH FROM POLE TO POLE.
I LABOR HARD BY DAY, BY NIGHT
TO FALLEN MAN I GIVE GREAT LIGHT.
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, YOUNG AND OLD
WILL BY MY DEATH GREAT LIGHT BEHOLD.
NO RIGHT OR WRONG CAN I CONCEIVE
THE SCRIPTURE I CANNOT BELIEVE.
ALTHOUGH MY NAME THEREIN IS FOUND
THEY ARE TO ME AN EMPTY SOUND.
NO FEAR OF DEATH DOTH TROUBLE ME
REAL HAPPINESS I’LL NEVER SEE.
TO HEAVEN I SHALL NEVER GO
OR TO HELL BELOW.
NOW WHEN THESE LINES YOU SLOWLY READ,
GO SEARCH YOUR BIBLE WITH ALL SPEED.
FOR THAT MY NAME IS WRITTEN THERE
I DO HONESTLY TO YOU DECLARE.
Send your answer here: charles@abacaglass.com
________________________________________________
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired, "God, where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "look
Michael, look what I've created."
Archangel Michael looked
puzzled, and said. "What is it?"
"It's a planet" replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth, and it's going to be a place to test balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe
is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and
over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot,
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said,
"What's that one?"
"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be
extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and
producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,
"But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you get a load of the
idiots I put there."
________________________________________________
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come
out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks
and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like
for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the
way to the Post Office."
_________________________________________________
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
Little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David 's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q.. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'
_________________________________________________Texas Drivers
The National Transportation Safety Board
recently divulged they had
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5
years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders
in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in
fatal accidents, the circumstances in
the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit !"
Only the states of North Carolina, South
Carolina, Virginia, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana
and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
__________________________________________________
The
CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing there were three
finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You
MUST kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into
the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears
in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping
the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the
chair".
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
__________________________________________________
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY
ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR
DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5
MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A DEPUTY SHERIFF WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.
I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A
BREAK?" HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.
I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET
FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT
ON THE WINDSHIELD NEXT TO THE FIRST TICKET.
THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET FOR MY OBSCURING WINDOW
STICKERS.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE
TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE.
MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER, THIS CAR HAD "ELECT KERRY &
EDWARDS" BUMPER STICKERS ON IT.
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE
__________________________________________________
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
__________________________________________________
Courage
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn't
listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him
on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on
the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
________________________________________________
Why do they put
pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write
to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so
the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
_________________________________________________
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
__________________________________________________
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian"?
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young, determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost"?
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection"? the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is it gonna be"?
Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
__________________________________________________
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made
by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
man has gone before!"
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here."
__________________________________________________
I WANT TO OPEN A "DAMN" CHECKING
ACCOUNT !!
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller
window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not
have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem", the man says. "I just won $50 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this
damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
__________________________________________________
Subject: New Texas Quarters
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State
of Texas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth
much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced
today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are
part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous
reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters,
toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various
states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success
among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter,
which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford
said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and
the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
__________________________________________________
Notes for the Milkman:
These are actual notes left for the Milkman-
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
****************
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."
****************
"Please don't leave any more milk.
All they do is drink it."
****************
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before,
but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it
around in my pocket for weeks."
*****************
"Sorry about yesterday's note.
I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way 'round."
******************
"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom
window and wake me because
I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
*****************
"Please Knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed
last night's SORPRANOS.
If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"
*****************
"My daughter says she wants a milkshake.
Do you do it before you
deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?"
******************
"Please send me a form for cheap milk,
for I have a baby two months old and
did not know about it until a neighbor told me."
*******************
"Milk is needed for the baby.
Father is unable to supply it."
*******************
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
*******************
"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."
*******************
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today,
I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today?"
*******************
"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don't leave any milk."
*******************
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
as he is dead until further notice."